Floppyshop 2/Floppyshop - 2.zip/Floppyshop - 2.iso/diskmags/0022-3.564/dmg-0138/history.txt

Text File | 1997-04-16 | 6KB | 118 lines

Subj:   Student Bloopers

The recent airing of "Pilgram Interrupters" prompted me to respond with this
similar, but just as funny, "history of the world", which was originally
publicized by Richard Lederer, a teacher who writes a weekly column for the
Concord Monitor in Concord, NH.  It was published a few years ago in Ashley
Cooper's column of our paper, The News & Courier in Charleston, S.C.  I
clipped and saved it, and hope you all enjoy it.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  Certain areas of the desert are cultivated by
irritation.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Isaac,
stole his brother's birthmark.  One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to
the Israelites.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  Solomon, one of David's
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until
he became intollerable.

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  Nero was a
cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to
them.

Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived
in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of
Hastings,, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw and the victims of the
Black Death grew boobs on their necks.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.  It
was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the
father of the Renaissance.

Guttenberg invented the Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes.  Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with
a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth was the
'Virgin Queen.'  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth exposed herself
before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah!"

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.  He lived at
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.  In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy.  In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote
Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote Paradise
Lost.  Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their
tea.  The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.  Bejamin
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf
of bread under each arm.  He produced electricity by rubbing cats backward and
declared "A horses divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin died in
1790 and is still dead.

The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of
Our Country.  Later, Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands.

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington
to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.

Meanwhile, in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy."  Gravity was
invited by Sir Isaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud
music.  Beethoven expired in 1827 an later died for this.

During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shows.  Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very
tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen on the throne.  She sat on a thorn for
63 years.

The 19th century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.  The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.  Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
men.  Samuel Morse invended a code of telepathy.  Louis Pasteur discovered
a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of
the Species.  Madman Curie discovered radium.

Well, there you have it.  Hope it draws a few chuckles.

Elizabeth Brooks
The Citadel
The Military College of South Carolina
Charleston, SC  29409